After taking the time to think
through the conflict and identify
our own hot buttons, it is now time to directly engage the other party to
the conflict. Going into a personal meeting may seem daunting given the
hostility but it becomes more manageable if you go into it with a proper
framework for the discussion.
This framework can be
thought of as “ground rules” for the meeting. Though he/she doesn't have
to agree, you may ask the other party to try to assent to them before you get
started. These ground rules could include such things as:
- Being
respectful to all parties (regardless of personal feelings).
- Giving
the each party the appropriate time to fully express himself without
interruption.
- Taking
the time to actually listen to what the other parties are saying (instead
of focusing on our own responses to their statements).
- Putting
the focus on a “give and take” resolution that is win-win for all the
parties.
- Try to avoid judgmental statements
that put people in a defensive position.
With that framework in
mind, it’s time to focus on the actual conversation. In
so doing you should try not to be too tied to your personal viewpoints, but be
flexible enough to views from all perspectives. You should also ensure that the
primary focus should be on peacefully resolving the dispute. To make sure
these things occur:
- Divide
the conflict into separate issues and deal with one issue at a time during
the discussion.
- Try
to focus on areas of common agreement.
- Instead
of personally focusing on the other party in the dispute, put the emphasis
on both of you working together to resolve the issues at
hand. E.g. “Use an ‘I statement’ to objectify the conflict, as
in, ‘I think we have different ideas about the best way to drive to work.
I understand that you really think it’s faster to go this
way.’ Then ask for feedback: ‘Am I hearing you correctly?’”
- Be
willing to apologize for any potential offenses to the other party.
- If you are wrong about something,
you must be willing to admit it.
Given the investment of
time and effort involved in resolving conflict, you probably are yourself, ”Is
it worth it?” In a workplace environment, you have to view conflict resolution
as an investment in the future. Though it may be a hassle in the short
term, clearing the air will pay dividends in the long-term because you will be
able to avoid the increased emotional costs of long-term conflict.
Also, understand that not all conflicts are going to
be resolved using the techniques described above. As such, learn to manage your
stress levels by choosing the battles you engage in. If an issue is not
worth the investment in time and effort described above, simply walk
away. Sometimes you may follow the procedures discussed above to the
letter and still have no resolution. When that happens, again, walk away.
In both instances, however, you should take the time to agree to disagree with
the other parties to the conflict before moving on with your life.
