THINK BEFORE YOU RESPOND TO CONFLICT

Oftentimes, conflict seems to strike us right out of the blue.  Because of this, we tend to give in to our first instincts.  For some the default response is to "fight"; these people become extremely agitated. These individuals lash out at those they perceive to be the bringers of conflict without a care for the consequences of their instinctive actions.  For others, the response is “flight” – i.e. they simply try run away from and try to ignore the conflict altogether. They hope that, their refusal to engage in the conflict, will result in it going away altogether without any further effort on their part. 

Unfortunately, in the workplace, giving in to either default response is rarely effective. This is because conflict operates on two dimensions: one based because on logical and actual facts about the conflict (i.e. reality-based conflict); and the other, based on feelings of threat, fear, hurt, etc. each party associates with the conflict (i.e. felt conflict).  Usually, your initial response of 'fight' or 'flight' is based on 'felt conflict' that is why you must try not to give in to it. In a closed environment like the workplace, where we are forced to work together on continually, this is highly ineffective. 

To find solutions that will actually resolve the conflict, you must seek to operate on the 'reality-based conflict' dimension. As such, it is imperative that you take the time to think before you respond. Doing this will give you the chance to look at your own possible contributions to the conflict; and what may be motivating the other party to engage in this conflict in the first place.

To get this process started, you will need to tackle 'felt conflict' straight on. Take the time to understand the role your own emotions and past experiences may be distorting the facts in a manner that actually escalate conflict in your mind. When this occurs, you make assumptions based on incorrect or incomplete information. To take control over own emotions and thoughts you will first have to discern and manage your 'hot buttons'.

Next you must examine how your actions in the workplace may have unknowingly contributed to the conflict. Sometimes individuals are unaware of how they are presenting themselves to their colleagues.  People respond to both verbal and non-verbal communication.  So, you must be careful about even, “the smallest movement of the eye, positioning of the ears, body positioning and proximity.” The impacts of these actions and even your slightest verbal utterances can be great.  Thus, it is important for you to take the time to put together a communication strategy before you even attempt to directly engage the other person in conflict resolution.

Once you have our own emotions and actions in line, it is time to think about what might be motivating the other party or parties to the dispute. We have already discussed at length some of the inherent differences that may lead to conflict in the workplace. To resolve this conflict, you must try to put ourselves in the shoes of the other parties. Try to understand the conflict from their perspective.  Even try to discern if they may be operating on mistaken assumptions. Finally, try to figure out what might motivate them to work with you to resolve the dispute. 

So, is now clear to us that when conflict strikes you have two options based on how you allow your thoughts to travel: first, you may instinctively lash out at or run away from the other parties to the dispute and deal with the consequences later; or second, you may deliberately think through the issue and rationally choose a path that leads to the end of the conflict.  The first option is easy, the second requires diligence.  But peace of mind is worth the effort.

SOURCES:

http://www.mediate.com/articles/ScottVbl20110613.cfm

http://www.mediate.com/articles/JohnsonC2.cfm

http://blog.kimberlyalyn.com/2011/02/24/dealing-with--conflict-mentally.aspx